just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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