jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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