He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
