Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
