The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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