we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
