You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
