Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.