just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
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Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.