Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
