Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
