if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm jealous of your bromance
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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