oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize