and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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