exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
