member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
