We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
