apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
