Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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