So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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