Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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