I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
