so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
