Don't make out with my wife yet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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