Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
