My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
