Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
