Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I FOUND THE LEGS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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