I met the friendliest cop last night
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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