i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
