I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
