Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
