So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
