i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
