Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
