life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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