I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
