Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
