in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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