Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
