Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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