I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
