I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I think I died a long time ago.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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