I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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