Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
