YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
