Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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