Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
