Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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