Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
