that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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