my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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