it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
