Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
