Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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