I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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