Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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