The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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