I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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